Waiting For Sunset

February 24, 2009

French Vanilla scented loneliness.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 5:59 am

Dearest Reader,

Again this will be done in the style that I would normally apply to my handwritten diary. The words come much faster this way, and I would rather be in a wide room, stimulated by the humming of the house appliances, french vanilla coffee and this glowing screen.

I am in a writing mood… But I feel I must strengthen my vocabulary, because I can never emit the sentiment I aim for, when I write creatively. The whole this always comes out broken and bland… A cheaper version than what I had first envisioned.

The largest problem with staying at home, jobless and without schooling, is justifying your existence. That is what I am thinking about right now. School and work are surely not the only important things, but they are the foundation of an identity, to which other qualities are added. Now I am a floating existence of various characteristics, without a foundation… I, therefore, ┬ádo not really exist to society. And that bothers me. My time feels borrowed, as it always had… And perhaps I have always needed school to distract me from the fact that maybe I do not fully belong to this world.

Yesterday, we went over to Nana and Papou’s. It was Nanas birthday, so even Uncle Peter and Auntie Karen were there. I did not go to C’s birthday party. That fact was on my mind, so I brought it up at the end of the night, like my mother had threatened to do. Only Auntie R and Auntie E were left. a debate erupted about parenting, and social stigmas and drugs… And I felt immensely guilty for being the cause of so much commotion. Soon, the foru shifted completely to the topic of my father and his impact on our family… I always feel so exhausted when it comes up. I don’t want to hear about it anymore.

I feel loved tonight. Enough. Enough for me.


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