Waiting For Sunset

January 26, 2009

Anxious Eyes upon fleeting Beauty.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 8:30 am

Dearest Reader,

I will write this as fast as I can, for I am terribly tired. I have been staying up exceedingly late as though I am nocturnal, so it is strange to feel so sleepy at only 2:30 in the morning, but I am happy for it. Tossing and turning sleeplessly is dreadful. I will write this entry in the same way I would write an entry in my hand-written diary, because the content is originally intended for it- but I have no pen and I am much to tired to bare my slow pensmanship. At the same time, I cannot bare to lose this day into the forgotten, as ordinary as it seems. Every moment is sacred to me… And that thought is a burden, truly, but inevitable. (Speaking of which, there is a japanese concept called ‘hitsuzen’ which deals with the concept of inevitability. It depicts loosely that we are the masters of our fate but, based on our choices, the result is inevitable. There are no concidences, only ‘hitzusen’. I learned of it through a manga actually! I thought it note-worthy, because it gives a name to something I more or less believe.)

I woke up this afternoon earlier than usual to get ready for my grandparent’s house. It was actually my mother whom woke me up. She had bought 3 shirts for me! The last time I recieved new clothes is… Beyond me! I love clothes! We are having monetary troubles as always, so it was very surprising. Apparently the store was having a large special on winter garments, to make  way for summer fashions.

My father was in a terrible mood, so I generally avoided him until we all went in the car. I asked if he would lower the radio, and he protested angrily and harshly. When I asked him why he was in such a bad the mood for the whole morning, he said that it was because of me, and my stupid attitude. I tried saying that it wasn’t, because I hadn’t even spoken to him earlier, but he said to ‘shut up and stop being so damn controllive’.

I like seeing the extended family. There is so much liveliness! So many smiles and kisses and voices. I don’t like silence among people. I like when people talk around a table, or socialize! Silences at my own house make me quite anxious– that is probably why I seem so loud and hyper. I hate the silence.

Papou showed me the remnants of an old grecian statue he had. He wants to carve a woman into the violin he’s making, as a head-piece, and he wants me to draw this woman. It is difficult, but I can’t wait to see his happiness when I’m done! He also wants me to draw 3 women across a board of marble, which I’m still not finished. It is so difficult to draw on marble… He wants to trace the lines, engraving the design I’ve done.

My cousin Samantha and my older brother, Christopher, weren’t over at lunch time, so it was strange to be at the long family table and not be talking to them. But I still spoke with Papou and Anthony instead. Anthony has gotten very skillful with card magic tricks! He is quick.

I passed my Aunt Roula right as she was leaving to pick up Samantha from the mall, and she happily invited me for the ride. Of course I didn’t refuse. I love talking with her, and relate to her on many levels. She seems like the black sheep of her ecentric, greek family and she loves to read, so we are constantly discussing books. Its refreshing to have someone to talk to, that shares your passion. On the way back with Samantha, we went to Chapters, the bookstore, and it was so tormenting to see all the books I wanted and could not have! But I adore it… Samantha doesn’t really like to read, so we didn’t linger as long as I would have liked, hehe.

Back at the house, I was pleasantly surprised to see Christopher! We started speaking immediately, and I was made aware of how much I miss him as always. His personality is just so refreshing, and I always think of how great it would be to have his daily dose of quirk to my chaotic life once again. He recommended a graphic novel to me… “Watchmen”, I think it was called? And later he lent me two CDs out of nowhere, wanting me to listen to them. I was touched, because that meant he had brought them with him, just for my oppinion on them.

I forget how it came up, but the subject of me moving out when I’m 19 years old started and caused a big fuss at the end of the evening, after everyone had left… Especially when my mom found out that it was Nick,  who would be my roomate. I hadn’t realized she was previously unaware of this fact.   Papou was beside himself, saying that women are lured into ‘traps’, and making all sorts of round-about allusions to me potentially being taken advantage of, or trying drugs, or dropping out of school. He doesn’t understand why I have to move out. I was so thankful that Christopher was there, defending me… I cannot even begin to describe my gratitude. (Even if he did give me too much credit while doing so!) My older brother… is wonderful. The best brother I could ask for, along with my little brother. I have always been so thankful for my 3 siblings, even if I don’t often admit it openly. I erupted in tears briefly when trying to explain my reasoning: “You don’t understand. When things happen at the house, I can’t think. And when you can’t think, you can’t work– and when you can’t work, you FAIL.” I was thinking of all the hardships of the last 2 years, along with my college failure and disapointing senior year.

Stephanie left for Grandma and Grandpa’s house on my father’s side. She stays there to lower travelling expenses during her school week. I dread her absence. She came downstairs half way through the afternoon at Papou’s house and said awkwardly in her low voice, “Uh, I’m leaving now…” and I didn’t want her to go. She was standing there absently, with her winter jacket on and holding her bag of clothes and toiletries for the week. The only reservation I have about moving out, is leaving my family. Lately… I have trouble being alone.

Anthony stayed up into the morning finishing his math notes. I must admit that that is the only reason I am still awake. I didn’t feel comfortable leaving his miserable figure alone. The light of the computer screen emphasised the circles forming under his tired eyes. I eventually made him hot chocolate. As I was making the hot chocolate, I began to feel guilty about all the times he had done the very same for me without a word.  He did an amazing job on the math notes, though… And I am happy for him. I know he will score a perfect mark on the assignment!

I wish I could explain the peace that I have found myself in as of late. Ever since the extreme decline of my mental health last year, I have only felt better.  Slowly… After that night, where I cried and cried like a baby, screaming, and threatening to kill myself and my father, I have only gotten better. I became calmer and calmer… Until I fell strangely and suddenly inlove with the world and every last thing about it. I am still trying to deconstruct how it exactly came about, but I am so so so happy, even when I am sad. And I wish I could share this love, or expose it. But who would believe that I am not as negative as I seem- That I revere Beauty? How could I ever convince anyone that despite my passing remarks, I am shining and bursting with love and happiness underneath?

I feel like I am a good girl.  I am only insecure… How can I prove it? My mother  is really the only one I would like to convince… Those disapointed, rolling eyes.

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