Waiting For Sunset

November 3, 2008

Imaginary Colors.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 1:01 pm

It is 7 o clock in the morning, and my eyes are heavy. There is not one student inside the college but me. For some reason, I like it better this way. There is no one to be shy around, to look away from. I can soak in my surroundings in long doses, hear the buzzing of the light. The walls of this classroom are completely white, along with the floor, and if I look out the equally white door, I see a white hall. This is an extension of the school… But the whiteness makes it almost… Imaginary.

I feel as though I am constantly living a yin and yang existence. Maybe it is the bipolar nature of my life, but I have always had this light/dark sensation, even as a child. Whether it was struggling to be a good girl, or a bad girl, or simply whether it was wearing black, or color.

I hear people approaching.

My mother starts her new job today. I hope she likes it. I must be hard to go from being a general manager, to someone of whom packs meat. But she has said only positive things about it. She gets very angry whenever I should bring up monetary issues. I admit, sometimes I make comments about our misfortune to directly wound her, or my father. It is no wonder that they don’t know who I am. I keep presenting a jaded version of myself to them, and they don’t dare question it. They make me feel so guilty sometimes… For the little things. For misplaced words, or untimely movements. I find myself going through life in a endless apology because of it.

But this is just me having too much time to comtemplate in the stillness.

My favorite part of college so far is the train. There is nothing more pleasing to me than the subtle rocking of the seats, the nameless faces you will never meet again and looking through the window at the world, knowing that you are moving–and you will be there at the exact time you need to be. I always wish I could stay on the train and just roll along. I always feel like I’m escaping from something monstrous, and that people can see it when they look at me.

I baked some scones this morning, and ate one with wildberry tea. You know, I had the most tedious habit of putting 2 tablespoons of sugar into my daily cup of tea. At the beginning of last week, I decided to stop it… And I realized that the tea is so much more pleasing that way! It tastes delicious and so fresh. I had never tried a scone before, so it was very pleasing. I shall have to make it again sometime, to perfect it. The dough was slightly more gooey than it should have been, and was difficut to cut in wedges because of it. But yummy! And when Anthony woke up at 6 o clock (how I envied him!), he gave me some of the milkshake he had made, which is ofcourse, always fabulous.

I decided that the next thing I would change about myself is the ability to greet strangers. It is a known fact that a smile brightens a person’s day, even if it coming from one who dresses solely in black! An old lady was headed towards me as I walked over to the bus stop. I had to force myself not to look away and I said hello.  She looked pleased and nodded. I certainly hope she didn’t think I was patronizing her… Or perhaps she was patronizing me.

Last night, my father rented “The pursuit of Happyness” starring Will Smith. It thought the movie was over commercialized… The movie  was very poor. It told the real-life story of a man who rose from poverty to be someone exceedingly successful. It was everything  you might expect from such an overdone plot… And worse. I hated the general monologue of the story, which had patterns of “This part of my story is called…”…I just thought the writing was poor, and that Will Smith’s interpretation of them was not the greatest either. The only two scenes I did quite like though, was when the man’s (Will Smith) son (Will Smith’s son in real life) was looking out the window of the moving bus at all the big, rich houses, and all the happy, playing kids and the scene where the man finally gets the job he spent the whole movie trying to achieve. His eyes shine and he just looks so… HAPPY.

But I really should stop this now. There is a boy seated at the back of the class now, who is quite rudely playing rap music on his cellphone. Class is going to start in 30 minutes.

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