Waiting For Sunset

November 8, 2008

Drizzling Down

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 6:34 am

I do not want this day to fall in the dreadful abyss of the forgotten… So even though I am exceedingly tired… I must get the main ideas down.

1. Went with N to the mall and the bookstore, just to be together.

2. A bought me a poster I had been admiring at the beginning of the week… How thoughtful… V told me what has been bothering her.

3. Went downtown with N… His car has the best mix of music. Everything is so much funner in pairs: Riding the metro, drinking spiced coke rum on a balcony in the rain, taking long, dark bus rides, trying interesting new restaurants and coffee flavours… I truly had a wonderful time and I cannot wait to do it again. (But the homeless break my heart.)

4. My father was laid off from work.

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November 3, 2008

Imaginary Colors.

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 1:01 pm

It is 7 o clock in the morning, and my eyes are heavy. There is not one student inside the college but me. For some reason, I like it better this way. There is no one to be shy around, to look away from. I can soak in my surroundings in long doses, hear the buzzing of the light. The walls of this classroom are completely white, along with the floor, and if I look out the equally white door, I see a white hall. This is an extension of the school… But the whiteness makes it almost… Imaginary.

I feel as though I am constantly living a yin and yang existence. Maybe it is the bipolar nature of my life, but I have always had this light/dark sensation, even as a child. Whether it was struggling to be a good girl, or a bad girl, or simply whether it was wearing black, or color.

I hear people approaching.

My mother starts her new job today. I hope she likes it. I must be hard to go from being a general manager, to someone of whom packs meat. But she has said only positive things about it. She gets very angry whenever I should bring up monetary issues. I admit, sometimes I make comments about our misfortune to directly wound her, or my father. It is no wonder that they don’t know who I am. I keep presenting a jaded version of myself to them, and they don’t dare question it. They make me feel so guilty sometimes… For the little things. For misplaced words, or untimely movements. I find myself going through life in a endless apology because of it.

But this is just me having too much time to comtemplate in the stillness.

My favorite part of college so far is the train. There is nothing more pleasing to me than the subtle rocking of the seats, the nameless faces you will never meet again and looking through the window at the world, knowing that you are moving–and you will be there at the exact time you need to be. I always wish I could stay on the train and just roll along. I always feel like I’m escaping from something monstrous, and that people can see it when they look at me.

I baked some scones this morning, and ate one with wildberry tea. You know, I had the most tedious habit of putting 2 tablespoons of sugar into my daily cup of tea. At the beginning of last week, I decided to stop it… And I realized that the tea is so much more pleasing that way! It tastes delicious and so fresh. I had never tried a scone before, so it was very pleasing. I shall have to make it again sometime, to perfect it. The dough was slightly more gooey than it should have been, and was difficut to cut in wedges because of it. But yummy! And when Anthony woke up at 6 o clock (how I envied him!), he gave me some of the milkshake he had made, which is ofcourse, always fabulous.

I decided that the next thing I would change about myself is the ability to greet strangers. It is a known fact that a smile brightens a person’s day, even if it coming from one who dresses solely in black! An old lady was headed towards me as I walked over to the bus stop. I had to force myself not to look away and I said hello.  She looked pleased and nodded. I certainly hope she didn’t think I was patronizing her… Or perhaps she was patronizing me.

Last night, my father rented “The pursuit of Happyness” starring Will Smith. It thought the movie was over commercialized… The movie  was very poor. It told the real-life story of a man who rose from poverty to be someone exceedingly successful. It was everything  you might expect from such an overdone plot… And worse. I hated the general monologue of the story, which had patterns of “This part of my story is called…”…I just thought the writing was poor, and that Will Smith’s interpretation of them was not the greatest either. The only two scenes I did quite like though, was when the man’s (Will Smith) son (Will Smith’s son in real life) was looking out the window of the moving bus at all the big, rich houses, and all the happy, playing kids and the scene where the man finally gets the job he spent the whole movie trying to achieve. His eyes shine and he just looks so… HAPPY.

But I really should stop this now. There is a boy seated at the back of the class now, who is quite rudely playing rap music on his cellphone. Class is going to start in 30 minutes.

November 1, 2008

A Silent Hallow’s Eve

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 6:37 pm

Please excuse me, I do not have very much time to write. But I figure that 1 update a week (atleast) should suffice. Actually, doing it this way may be a good thing, for I do not want to give up on my longhand diary writing. Something about opening a journal is so exquisite.

Pearls, the elder cat, is sleeping on my bed beside me at the moment. I love petting her- I have not seen her in a while.

Things have been busy, busy around here… In my quest to live the ideal lifestyle, it is a very hard challenge to juggle emotions with responsibilities. In my chaotic home, harsh words and actions are exchanged almost daily. But I notice… The longer I remain docile, the more my position is an advantageous one. For instance, if my dad should say or do terrible things to me, and I act completely civil the next day, he becomes a mumbling… well, baffoon, I suppose. At the same time… It’s difficult. The sorrow. I have learned how to cry silently, unseen.

My day schedule has changed along with my sleep patterns! As soon as I wake up, I commence miniature chores. I make my bed, tidy my room… Then I prepare myself for the day’s task by throwing on loose clothing and tying my hair up (usually braided). I do the dishes, clean the kitchen, feed the animals, clean the bathroom and anything else that needs special attention. Then I eat something healthy… With tea. My breakfast is usually so healthy, but then I tend to ruin it throughout the day. The day then runs fairly smoothly… Despite…Everything.

Yesterday and today is Samhain, a celebratory day to mark the end of the Celtic year and harvest. Today is a new beginning, and I hope knowlegde of that fact with work as a greater incentive for my goals and strengthen me further. I still have yet to do a tiny ritual for the occasion. Hopefully I can find the time.

I had alot of fun dressing up my little brother for Halloween! He is much too old to go trick-or-treating, but many people still dress up. (Did you know that nobody says “trick-or-treat” anymore? They stand at the doorway expectantly, holding out their bags and leave without a word.) There were only 2 small groups of children at our door this year, which is VERY unusual. It must be because of all the new houses not too far away. My father decided to shut the light outside, when a couple of teenagers showed up. He does not agree with giving candy to those that are old enough to work for it.

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