Waiting For Sunset

October 25, 2008

Rain, Rain… Come and Stay

Filed under: Uncategorized — katacomb @ 9:05 pm

The rain always  puts me into a thoughtful mood. The sky’s tears always makes the world so much more vibrant. Every color is enhanced and brilliant.

I am currently job searching… I have the newspaper open infront of me, and I see two jobs that sounds satisfactory. I long for the day when I succeed in finding a job, so I don’t feel quite so inexperienced… Or quite so stagnant. Sometimes it’s easy to think the world is spinning so fast, and that you are the only one standing still. I know in my heart that this is not truely the case, but still, I feel that desperation rising in me. That sense that I am losing not only my footing, but my hold on this existence.

Of course I am always preoccupied with the romantic, ideal life, so I was exploring sleep patterns. The ideal sleep pattern is going to bed at around 9 o’clock at nght, and waking up at around 5 o’clock. It is wise to set reasonable goals, so I will allow my self a different ratio of one hour. (10-6) I find it most saddening to be awake in a house of sleeping people. This is the state I find myself in now. How could I have not been so annerved by it all these years? It shakes me to the core. In order to combat my insomniac ways, I tried to make myself what is called a “posset.” According to Wikipedia, “A posset is a hot milk drink, popular in the Middle Ages for its supposed medicinal properties. Wine or ale was added to milk, which curdled it, and the mixture was usually spiced. It was considered a specific remedy for some minor illnesses, such as a cold, and a general remedy for others, as even today people drink hot milk to help them get to sleep.” Unfortunately, the one I made was quite… Repulsive. I shall have to find recipes with a more pleasant taste. Still, even though the taste was foul, I have never slept better. The warm syruppy feeling calmed me like nothing else, and I read “Anna Karenina” to comfort me greater  still. Today I plan to clear out my room in an attempt to purge it of its negative energies…

I realize it is so difficult to live the ideal life in this chaotic home. Just this morning, after a peaceful sleep, (until 1 in the afternoon!-Oh dear!), I get right to cleaning my room. My father comes in and yells about a dish he sees on the floor. I try to be as calm as possible. It is very hard, but it works. M father just continues yelling when he realizes I am indifferent, answering him calmly. He becomes louder, “Get up off your ass-your BIG, FAT ass! And pick up the dishes right NOW! I’m TIRED of this!”

I am trying to be alot more quiet… I often am tempted to speak for others of my family, in order to maintain some form of control over my spastic environment. So far, today, I have done alot more listening. Even when I am tempted to interject, I do not. And here I am, still alive.

The path for a sunset-like existence is a daunting one, when you notice that the world is not changing around you-that things will remain indifferent, eternal, regardless of the sorrow and happiness, the struggling of its inhabitants. It is a fatalistic, lonely thought. But to cease to strive is unacceptable.

I truly love this world.


1 Comment »

  1. don’t post lol!

    verbal abuse can so harsh, I remember not wanting to get help in my school work because I was afraid of my mom. The worse I think is when she stab me in the with a pencil and called me a stupid turd. These are all memories that I’ll never have to relive again! I enjoy the fact that your working on your sleepong patterns right now. i’m not getting enough sleep.. mhm what is one to do!
    You are quite brave to go for the warm milk I can’t stand the idea of it at all. I’ve switch to whole milk from now on I think I need all the carlories and fat I can get plus its only 1.25 more lol well this is a rather long comment

    Comment by Mango — October 27, 2008 @ 5:06 pm

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